The End of The Road Is So Near....

Well, here we are, entering the last week of school. Usually I see this as a good thing, every thing slows down, we're at a relaxed pace around the house. But this year is different. My boys, my first babies, are finishing up elementary school. WAAAAAAAH! I just cannot believe that we're already here. 6th graders. 7 teachers. Lockers. Puberty. Girls. Yuck. They are busting at the seams. And I am truly happy for them and the new chapter of their lives. But, really, wasn't I diapering them 5 minutes ago? Didn't Billy and I meet these 5 pound little cherubs only yesterday? So unfair. But we will turn the page and watch them become young men and try not to let them see me cry.

Today we had the 5th grade talent show. What brave kiddos. No way would I have had that courage to get on a stage in front of my peers at 10. Forget it, I'm not sure I'd do it now. :) (Let's ignore the fact that I don't really have any talents, per say....) Anyway, Kevin and his best friend did a comedy skit and had a lot of fun. Tomorrow Olivia has 4th grade awards. Then Thursday is the 5th grade award ceremony and we will start the long hot summer. And it won't feel all that long. And by August, I will be ready for them to get to school. :)

A Moment For Praise And Looking Back and Where We've Been....

Today Emi and Simon were officially released from speech therapy. A year ago they didn't even say "no" and today I can't get them to stop talking. Every week the therapists came in and worked their magic. I was sad to say goodbye, I have enjoyed their company and I know that they came to love my kids and want the best for them.

This makes me think about how far we've come in the past 30 months with these beautiful kids. We started here, last one evening in November, with a social worker dropping off these tiny week old twins that had basically been released from neonatal rehab. It had a familiar feel, we've had 5 pound twins before.

But there was a difference. We knew that these two had drug exposure, and that there was a chance, although slight, that they would be taken back from us and returned to the family. We wouldn't decide on names for a long time. Oh, and we decided we may need to tell our parents. :)

Three months later I thought something was wrong with Simon's neck/head. The pediatrician I had been sent to (I was learning foster care Medicaid as fast as I could.) brushed it off, told me to wait and adjust his head. To this day I regret listening. 3 months later he was diagnosed with plagiocephaly and torticollis and we were sent for a helmet fitting to correct this flat headed child.




See his tilt?



And helmet in place....

At 6 months, we went to court and officially were able to keep our sweet babies.

Two more Ryanns to the mix. And we did some interviews, it was kind of neat that there was a way to celebrate our family and hopefully bring awareness to the foster-to-adopt program. The older kids loved the pictures, getting on tv, being on the cover of a local adoption magazine. (Olivia-- "we're famous!" LOL....)

We started physical therapy for the torticollis (that Emi was later also diagnosed with, to a lesser degree) and at 18 months, Simon's head had improved signifcantly and we were finished with the helmet. Then we had to think about the fact that no one was talking. At. All.

But here we are now. 2 1/2 years old, they talk nonstop. Especially in church. Never a whisper. Their head and necks have improved a great deal and we hope to be winding down with physical therapy as well. I am amazed at how far they've come. And every day I am thankful that we have been given these wonderful kids.

The Internets Have Tied My Hands!!!

I am doing a quick entry on my iPhone because yesterday my Internet went out at home and the charming AT&T rep let me know it would be Monday before someone comes to fix it. (Was that a run on? Hard to see it on the tiny screen.) Anyway, I'm not dead or abandoning my babbling blog, I am just at the mercy of the Internets. :) Have a great long weekend!

We Dodged An Orthodontic Bullet And Moved To Toddler Beds.. Not Me, I'm Still In A Grown Up Bed...

I don't know what kind of evil person came up with the concept of an orthodontic apparatus that is removable, expensive, and given to preteens. Really, how is this ever going to end well?? Kevin has had his retainer for 6 months now, and I've lost count as to how many times we have all scattered in separate search teams to find that hideously expensive piece of metal. Today Kevin came home from swim team practice, sat around, had dinner, showered and then realized he didn't have his retainer. "When did you last have it?", "Did you go to practice with it?" Billy and Kevin get in the car to head to the pool to look there. Not the way I want to spend the evening. Olivia and I start searching the front yard, since he said that he ate his snack on the walk home. Lucky for us (mainly Kevin), somehow Kevin found his retainer in the grass outside the pool. WHEW... I tell ya, evil created that contraption....  :)

We finally had to move Simon to the toddler bed. My big boy has bounced the crib into oblivion. We decided to wait on Emi, she's the shifty one and will be walking all over the house the minute she discovers her freedom. So this past weekend he was awesome. He stayed in bed, he didn't even get up in the morning until someone came to get him. It was so nice..... Then today it all changed. Nap time came and I put them both down. Within 15 minutes I heard the blinds hitting the window, Emi squealing from her crib, and when I got upstairs, my sweet Simon Jack was all over that room. SIGH.... I am too old for this. Nap time is when I get laundry done, phone calls made, peace... Well, it's gone for now and I'm not sure how long this is going to take to settle down. And I know if their dad had been home, it would have gone differently. He has "the voice".... Grrrr... I must think happy thoughts, I've done this 3 times before. But I was much younger then... :)

This Is How I Know Summer Is Right Around The Corner....

When the clippers come out, I know Texas heat is soon to follow. Last night, Kevin asked for the cut. :)

This morning, bright and early, we hauled ourselves out of bed and divided up. Emi and Billy took Aaron to do this:

And Simon and I took Kevin and Olivia to the first swim meet of the season...

Kevin on the end

Olivia on the left

And Simon watching somehow wrapped up in some one's towel. :)

It's going to be a busy few weekends while we have the sports overlap. But that's ok. After the soccer game, Billy brought me Starbucks, we all watched the kids swim a few more races and then the shorties and I headed home for nap.

I just can't believe this school year is over in 9 days. Well, the shorties in 2. Then I will have two boys in 6th grade, Olivia at the elementary school by herself for the first time, and the continued potty training and move to toddler beds will be upon us. It always just seems to go too fast....

An Update Of Hector The Trainer And The Pain He Inflicts Upon Me... That I Pay For...

So here I am right in the middle of week three of my eight week trainer experience. I'd like to say that I no longer wince when I lift a shorty or when I climb the stairs, but that is not the case. I still hurt everywhere, just maybe not as much. I go faithfully, sweat like a pig and beg for mercy throughout the hour session, but I'm not sure I am any fitter. I know it's been 3 weeks. But hey, I'd probably go in with a smile of some sort if I could tell you that my bat wings are diminishing, or that my thighs have less movement when I move. Yes, I have lost weight, that is awesome. 2 pounds. But I don't feel stronger yet. I have great hope for that.

I still have these fat kid flashbacks when I'm there. I am not the worst in the room, but I am close. It is such a weird feeling when you feel awkward and bigger than everyone else in the room and then look in a mirror and see that you aren't. But we will push through that. (apparently I am now more than one person, since "we" will now persevere) I'm sticking with it though. Heading over there in the morning and hoping to be able to walk to the car upright. :)

And So We Start Preparing For The Summer Birthday Season...

Every year, soon after Mother's Day, I find myself gearing up for a long haul of birthdays. June hits us with Father's Day, Billy's birthday a week later and then the older boys in July. Honestly, it's partly my fault, I tend to want the whole thing organized before school lets out so I have time to shop alone and be ahead of the game. We also actually have the boys' party in June, with a midsummer birthday sometimes attendance is rough because people are either on vacation, or hard to track down. So we give out invites the last week of school and have the party in June. The rest of summer birthdays speed by with my dad's, mine (which this year I will be draped in black), and then we prep to start school while I mentally plan Olivia's September party. (see, I totally do it to myself, I know...) I do get a month off before the shorties turn 3, but we were thinking of a Halloween birthday party, so maybe not. They're three, I'll try not to go overboard...

I tend to go all out. I want them to remember great parties. This year they are actually winding down, the boys will be eleven and they're being too cool for mom. This year they agreed (no small feat in itself) to a slumber party. I don't know how Billy and I are going to have 6 boys over and still have toddlers sleep is beyond me, but we're going to give it a shot. We'll have them over around 6ish, I'm renting a water slide and then when it gets dark enough, we'll watch a movie projected on the back wall of the house. But because of how I can get, I was thinking of adding an ice cream sundae buffet. :) Here's to hoping they at least sleep a little bit....

I do it to myself, but I really like their birthdays. I hate that they are getting older, but I love to watch them enjoy their day. And honestly, I have it easy for 5 kids. I only have 3 parties. I mean, I'm practically cheating... But it feels like we have 5 months of either prep or parties and then we slide into the Fall holidays. Our slow time is January to June. I have no idea how families of 9 or 10 do it. I guess they double up???

Middle Child Syndrome!!! Therapy All Around!

I've decided that this post will be all about my Olivia. Poor kiddo probably gets lost in the shuffle, the only singleton in the house, my only biological child, and usually, such a good kid, sometimes gets shoved aside when other kids are getting in trouble with messy rooms, homework disasters, or the younger two, just being two. :)

Olivia is an interesting one. After going through with our first adoption of Aaron and Kevin, we were knee deep in the parent- learning curve. I was still teaching seventh grade because we thought I could. (notice we were in full learning curve) I'd say by October/November it was clear that due to not finding the right person to take care of the boys and with Billy still working for a firm in Austin (late, late nights coming home), we knew that I would be home for good in January. In Late January, I found out I was pregnant. Immediately we heard,"This always happens after adoption" and "I told you so!" Well, we assumed that after testicular cancer, surgery, and the radiation that followed, said plumbing was shot. (as did the urologist) The boys were 5 months. Billy was in denial. :) Did I mention I told him during the Superbowl??? My timing is PHENOMENAL.... Anyway, we set off to juggle the boys and discover pregnancy... God never gives you what you cannot handle. We told ourselves that a lot. She was a relatively easy pregnancy until the feet started to swell and not retract. The boys and I played on the ground a lot, it was easier there... My first Mother's Day I was 5 months along and showing. We went to a nice buffet with my parents and the woman at the table next to us loudly says, "oh my God, she's already pregnant with another one!" NICE....

My sweet Olivia was an awful labor, induced because she was comfortable, my blood pressure wasn't. After a day and a half, this beautiful girl joined the madness. What a gift.

Don't look at me, I don't do labor well...

And such a gift she continued to be. She was a good kid, not a lot of trouble. No terrible two's, and she potty trained before 3. But this poor child got my emotions, poor thing. To this day, she is a roller coaster ride, and I understand it all. She is freakishly smart, loves her gifted and talented class, and school is a joy to her. (if only her older brothers could catch that bug!) What she did not inherit from me I am thrilled about. Her confidence is beautiful. She isn't arrogant. She knows that she is smart, she knows she has a good sense of humor. I love that. Her daddy had a big part in that.

How could I not include my 4 yr old ballerina??



This is Olivia with her friends. Always just like this...



She has become a wonderful big sister... (uh, this is before Simon's helmet...)

 

Olivia's 9th birthday party

I couldn't have a better kiddo. Even though I forget how great she is sometimes. I am one lucky mom....

A Short Post Since I Am Recovering From Something Awful....

So I caught some bug yesterday, Billy came home on his white horse with pizza and soup. :) I went to bed at 6 last night and got up at 8 this morning. Guess I needed it. Then he took all the kids to Aaron's soccer game and I rested even longer. I am a lucky girl. :)

So this post is pictures, bear with me....

The boys had Market Day at school. They had to come up and produce a product to sell to the students. They had to keep track of their expenses and then subtract them from the profits. I loved that they had to wear "business attire." :) Kevin sold pencil holders with Justin Bieber stickers on them (going for the chick market) and Aaron built hovercrafts. Both sold out, so they were happy.

School has maybe 13 days left in the year. Then I officially have 6th graders.... Eeek....

This Is To Keep A Record for Future Girlfriends... I Can't Believe He Did That...

So Simon is mid potty training. I guess that means he uses the potty 70% of the time. Not too shabby for 2 1/2 and a boy. (My older 2 didn't even give it  a shot until they were 3.) We're standing next to the potty and I am about to get his clothes off and he bends down and before I know it, plants a big, wet kiss on the toilet. EWWWWWWWWWW..... Good Lord... What does that foreshadow? Raging alcoholic, later to worship at the porcelain throne? Major weirdo that will never leave home and would live in our basement if we didn't live in Texas where they refuse to give us basements?

At least I can tell the future Mrs. Simon. I have that card in my pocket....

Lord, Talk About A Grade School Trauma Flashback....

So yesterday was my 5th workout with the trainer. There were maybe 8 people working out in the place, and we went to work, it's kind of a circuit set up with different stations. Anyway, it was by far, my worst work out. I couldn't do a lot of it. I got so frustrated, when I left I was miserable (this time, not just physically a disaster). I felt like I usually can hold my own in comparison to the group. I'm happily in the middle. Yesterday I felt like that chubby kid in P.E. class staring at that freakin rope dangling from the roof that I know I can't climb and it will soon be my turn to humiliate myself.

Full disclosure---not me, googled image, but remember the rope climb?!

I haven't been big like that in 20 years. It's amazing to me that I could actually feel like that again when physically, I am relatively thin. But you can't ever count on what is going on in your mind, can you? So there I was feeling like the fat kid in gym. Totally sucked. But I finished the work out, and I'll go back tomorrow (ugh, Fridays I have to go at 6am since the shorties don't have school...). But I really hope those feelings stay away. And that no one ever puts me in front of one of those darn ropes either. I mean, what does that prove? :)

It's pouring down rain here, that's a good thing since we've been close to drought conditions and my grass is crispy. So I hope it rains all day. Downside is the track meet that Kevin (long jump) has been looking forward to will be cancelled, hopefully rescheduled. I can't believe in 3 weeks, the kids are out for summer and I officially have junior high kids. Boo hoo. How did it happen so fast? I remember flying into Florida as soon as their birth mom went into labor. And now we're going to junior high and wearing deodorant. Sigh...

Have a good one!

WHAT?!?!? I Haven't Told You About Cathy?! That's Just Not Right...

So yesterday my best friend Cathy and I are discussing googling people (and ourselves). Maybe 10 minutes later she calls back, "hey, I googled you, why haven't I read your blog?" (Just so we're clear Cathy, I am PARAPHRASING, now that I know you're here) "And how am I not in it?" Cathy wasn't being full of herself, it doesn't really make sense. We talk at least 5 times a day. We met when we were 8, survived high school together and marched off to college together too. (Gig 'Em Ags! Whoop!) So this is my much too late and I'm sure woefully insufficient introduction to my BFF.

Things haven't always been great, we had truly mastered fighting into an art form as teenagers, but she knows things that no one else does. Heck, probably things I don't even remember. She tends to bring up some awful and embarassing memory and I respond with, "what? I have no idea what you are talking about." (I figure it's a self defense mechanism, fluffy teenage years are no fun...) She fills this awesome void when I have something important to talk about (say, the Royal Wedding) and I know for a fact my husband would rather shove a pencil in his eye, Cathy is ALL OVER IT. And who else am I going to call when I find someone on Facebook that we went to school with and, perhaps, has been a little worse for wear?? Or when I am shopping and I'm not sure about which shirt to buy, who gets the text pic? Billy??? Ummm, I'd like to stay married, thankyouverymuch....

Perfect example... (yesterday)

Me: (surfing online) "Wow, look Pippa is freaked over topless pics her friends have leaked. That was quick."

Cathy: "Really?! Gosh, she's so famous, shouldn't she know not to take naked pics?!"

Me: "Huh? I mean, they're like 5 years old and hello, there's a boob."

Cathy: "I just think that's crazy that she doesn't think that's going to get out. What is she thinking? Kelly Ripa, right?"

Me: "What?! No PIPPA, Kate's sister. Kelly Ripa?!"
Cathy: "Regis always calls her Pippa. I thought we were talking about Kelly Ripa."

And you wonder what we talk about 5 times a day. :)

So that is my opening to my best friend. I don't think that there is anything she doesn't know. There are times when I am talking to Billy and I say, "have I told you this already, or was that Cathy?" My kids know her like an aunt and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

I also worked out today, but this post is about Cathy. :) Hope you have a good one, I've got to go pick up the shorties....

Aaackkk, Virus Cooties Found My Kids, 3 Down, I'm Sure 2 Will Follow.. Did I Mention I'm Single Mom-ing it?

Ahhh, well I guess we were healthy for too long... I've got toddlers with so much mucus, I can't imagine what could possibly be left in their bodies. Emi is acting completely like herself though, sweet, adorable and unbelievably stubborn. Simon on the other hand is not such a good patient. Miserable, everyone is against him and all attention must be for him. I'm sure today is just going to fly by. Kevin got up at 5:30 hacking up a lung, so he's joined in on our good times. No fevers, just ick. So now I have 2 napping and one on the couch with my phone. And really, to prove I have a magical life, Billy is out of town on business. Great timing, huh?! I think it's on purpose, I mean if I could wrangle a stay-at-home mom business trip during snot fest, I would be packed. :) He'll be back late tonight, it could be worse. This just means we don't dirty the kicthen. Major rule in my house, Daddy has a business trip, we get take out and eat on paper plates. See, we all win. Billy gets some peace, work done, money home, and the rest of the Ryanns get carbs and grease. I'm not sure who gets the better deal.

May is still chaos. Every Saturday has two kid events/sports until school is out. During the week, the school squeezes every last bit of projects and social events they can. I can't even imagine this time next year when we have the boys in middle school and Olivia still in elementary. That's a whole additional schedule to add.

Ok, so I wasn't going to post about working out, I whine a lot on Facebook about my aches and pains. But I can't help myself. Beyond the fact that I am paying someone to slowly try to kill me is one thing, but I am really bummed this morning. I got on the scale. Clearly a bad decision that I can't take back. I am GAINING weight. And please do not feed me the "muscle weighs more". I've been exercising like this for a week. Are you going to tell me that I can now enter a Ms. Olympia competition due to my massive muscle gain?! (do they still have those, or have I dated myself horribly?!) Really, I am still doing my WW points and I thought the extra exercise would shed the last few pounds I'd like to lose. I'm not quitting. I think it's good for me, one because of my osteopenia, my OB/GYN has really pushed for me to weight train and last time I saw her I shrank 1/2 and inch. And secondly, I'd really like to throw on a pair of shorts happily at soon-to-be 40. I do a lot of capris and shorts to the knee. I'm ready for my condo in Boca. :) I'm not asking for Daisy Duke shorts, just shorts.

I better end this, I hear "Mommy, Mommy" from upstairs and I better grab the Kleenex before I get there. Here's to a clear nasal passage day for you. Someone should have one!

Mother's Day Is Already Half Way Gone, Have You Broken Up Any Fights Yet??

As I sit at the, let's say half way mark of Mother's Day, I have two in nap mode and my older three watching a rerun of "Fear Factor".... Which now that I think about it, may put my Great Mom award in jeopardy. :) I woke up to five kids jumping on the bed with coffee quick to follow. Ahhhh, LOVE my kids... But the husband following right behind with the camera?? Not so much... I mean do we need to document my morning look?? I'm afraid to look, and I have to live with myself. Don't worry, Father's Day is soon approaching. But of course, because said husband is a MAN, he won't care if I'm taking pictures and really, when you don't have hair or wear make up, is your morning look that different than any other look? So unfair.... The pains of childbirth AND bedhead.... Sigh....

There were beautiful flowers, a new bathrobe (he was listening!!!), the boys replaced the wind chime that somehow became the soccer goal... (don't ask, I'm still bitter..) My sweet Olivia bought a gluten free cupcake cookbook, and my sweet shorties made me hand prints and painted flowerpots. All beautifully organized by a wonderful dad/husband that made a yummy breakfast. It's been a great day. Hope yours was as well....

My best friend's son had his first communion on Saturday, somehow I managed to corral 4 of the 5 kids to church. (Aaron had a soccer game) I was quite pleased with myself until Simon started shouting some incoherent word that sounded too close to a racial epithet that we had to rush out to the foyer. Two year olds are GREAT in church....

The downside is the itch in my throat, I think Simon has shared whatever ick he's had all weekend. Here's to hoping it will pass, that everyone is healthy for school and I can get to the gym tomorrow morning. I am pleased to report that I am now only mildly sore, no tears involved in stair climbing or child lifting. Progress!

It's Friday And I Survived Another Workout... Let's Start Mother's Day Early!

Well, I did it. Woke up at 5:30, rushed to be dressed and ready when my workout partner showed up at 5:45. Ugh, I have to say, I wasn't feeling well. I really feel like my Celiac's rears it's ugly head in weird ways. If I have early morning appointments or have to go somewhere new, my stomach just freaks out. No explanation. So I crossed my fingers and off we went. There's a 5 a.m. class that was more populated that I thought it would be, I ran into one of my kids' 2nd grade teachers. I couldn't imagine getting up for a 5 a.m. class, then showering and teaching 7 year olds all day, more power to her! The workout was good, REALLY hard, I was accused of cheating on squats. Mean trainer. I wasn't CHEATING, I was DYING, totally different. So he added 10 extra seconds. GREAT... Got home to a house buzzing, Billy making breakfast, kids either at the table or helping corral shorter ones into chairs. I sat in the car for a second and watched the action and I had this weird moment of feeling like I was missing out. I missed that craziness of school mornings. So I crawled into the house and immediately, a tattler was rattling off whatever the new offense was.... Sigh.... I was wrong, nothing to miss. :) Referee shirt back on and the normalcy back. It's strange to me though, I thought, "awesome, Billy can take over the morning, nice away time for me". But I felt left out when I got there. So silly, but I missed my family. For an hour. Half of which they slept through. I may need medication.....

Today should be interesting, the 4th graders are having a Mother's Day tea this afternoon. Olivia was so excited, but I had to tell her that because I'm bring the shorties, (on leashes no less!) I couldn't guarantee how long we could stay. Honestly, two 2 year olds in a classroom of 22 and moms and a huge table of snacks. Fingers crossed. and yes, we own the toddler leashes, judge away. We bought them for the State Fair, Emi and Simon loved feeling independent and when the day was over I still had 5 kids. So I'm going to dust them off and head to school.

See, not an awful animal leash...

Then we're heading out for dinner to try a pizza place with gluten free pizza. Hope it's good. Yes, I got up at 5:30 so I could have pizza tonight and erase whatever good things I did. But I have a good excuse, we're doing Mother's Day early. We have a really hectic weekend with a first communion, a luncheon, a soccer game, visiting my mom, and a school project to complete. And really, I am not a fan of crowds and Mother's Day lunch is a crowd.

If you are a mom, I hope your Mother's Day is wonderful and that you feel important and valuable. You have the best job in the world. Enjoy it!

I'm Getting Up At 5:30 Tomorrow To Work Out... I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore...

Boy, I think turning 40 this year has REALLY turned me inside out. Tomorrow morning I am going to work out at 6 am and be back in time to get everyone out the door for school. If you knew me at all, you'd know that this goes against everything I stand for. Sleep, extra sleep, slow to wake up, coffee first--everything else second, I could go on and on. I am not the exercise girl. And before you think I have caught the bug and am becoming some endorphin, work out junkie-- let me be clear. I am not having fun. There is no bug to be caught. I still hate doing it. No rush afterwards, just the shakes. No huge weight loss to gloat about, I'm the same as when I started. (which by the way---SO annoying, I mean give me that at least!) But let's face the bitter reality that I live in. My 40th birthday is 3 months away. FORTY. (cue dark, creepy music) I am not taking it well. I don't want to be forty. But since I can't stop the calendar, I don't want to feel 40. I don't want to think about my brittle bones on the horizon, and along with basic aging, my Celiac's disease has seen to it that I already have osteopenia, so thanks for that. I can't keep the wrinkles away, the liver spots, the gravity doing God knows what to everything that used to be higher up... But I think that maybe if I don't FEEL 40, it may help. I know, I know, I am being a total baby about growing old. No news alert there. But hey, if it's getting me to exercise, to watch the bad things that I love so much, maybe there is a silver lining to my tantrum. I just wish everything from my waist up didn't hurt so much. My youngest are 38 pounds each. That is no fun to pick up over a baby gate when your biceps are mush.

So here is to not feeling old. As much as possible. And still being able to have your adult beverage on Fridays because you were a WW point Nazi during the week. Life is pretty good. :)

I Started With A Trainer Yesterday... Today I Can't Reach The Top Shelf Without Tears...

Ok, so yesterday I started my refresher on exercise. A friend and I took advantage of a Groupon deal, $29 for 2 months with a trainer, unlimited visits. I knew that if I didn't take someone with me, I'd slack off. Not my intention, but really, with 5 kids and a life, exercise always gets a back seat to me. I'd rather sit on the couch after the kids go to bed and watch meaningless tv with Bravo than actually work out. At night. When I am sleepy. Don't judge, I know I'm not alone. :) So anyway, right after I dropped off the shorties at Mother's Day Out, I met up with said friend and we were off. I've said it before, my weight is fine, my clothes fit and I do Weight Watchers points instinctively. But I am turning 40 in 4 months and I would like to really, truly feel good about myself when it gets here. Cuz let me tell you, I will be weeping and wearing black on the actual day. I irrationally fear 40, I know. 35 was bad, but I'm still here. I think part of it may also be that I see my three big kids getting older and more independent and I see that I'm not so necessary. Yes, dramatic, but they don't need me to pull clothes out, cut their food, wipe their faces (well, yes, sometimes they do..). My babies are going into middle school next year and I don't like it. I mean, not enough to home school, just enough to whine about it.

Back to the work out. So each day they focus on a specific area. Lucky me it was shoulders, back and arms. I was shaking when we left. PATHETIC... But it was a killer workout for a return to sweat. But I did it. Then I went and bought two new pairs of work out pants, because I saw this super cute pair on another girl and I had to have them. I think wearing cute gear helps the psyche. So this morning I get up. OH.MY.GOD.... I am sooooo sore. Mildly sore from the waist down, the warm up yesterday included burpees and squats. But my shoulders and arms are SO over it. If I didn't have a severe coffee addiction, I'm not sure I would have bothered reaching for the mugs. And the shorties? 38 pounds of "oh my goodness" every time I lift.

But I am ok with it. It's all good. And the fact that I feel that way is weird for me. But these bat wings must go. And even though I know that I am thin, I'd like to feel fit. I'd like to look in the mirror and be ok. I'm not sure  it will ever be possible. I was a fat kid, then depressed fat teenager. Even after I lost the 40 pounds in college, I still didn't feel thin. It's a crappy mind trick. I don't expect to run to the bikini section of Macy's, but maybe when I put on my sensible, black one piece, I won't go for the cover up so fast. That would be a win.

Tomorrow is day two. That is stomach and legs. Lordy... Have a great one!